He also was physically abusive towards my mom and brothers. I almost died when I was a teen and he never came to see me in the hospital. I am in my mid 30s now. What would you do if you were in my shoes? I appreciate good empathetic advice please, thanks.
The fact that he expects anything from you just goes to show he's not sorry for what he's done and he's still a controlling monster. I'd tell him you expected him to keep you safe as a child and he failed that miserably so he can go f himself. He should be begging you for forgiveness on his knees. Family doesn't mean anything when that type of betrayal is involved! And it doesn't matter what your mother or sibilings want, they don't live your life... You do.
Only you can know if not seeing him before he dies will haunt you as you go with your life.
What do you mean by "be there". Is he expecting you to care for him in his infirmity, or does he just want to see you one last time.
If it were the former, I'd say "screw you, you old goat". You own him nothing.
IF it is just that he wants to see you before he dies, you might be the bigger person by going to say good bye. You'll feel better for it.
But what ever you do, make it your own choice and don't let anyone force you into anything.
think you should be seeing a mental health professional, not us. and discuss the issue with him/her
Legally you have no obligation to "be there."
Morally, well, you need to ask this in a different section.
Ultimately you have to decide what you can live with. Some people find when they are dying that they are more willing to admit to wrongdoing and to offer an apology to their victims. Some people never get to that point.
If you do not feel safe with him and can live with not seeing him/trying to make peace, you don't owe him your presence.
Our oldest daughter became part of our family as a teenager. She lived a nightmare of a childhood in which every rotten thing you can do to a child was done to her repeatedly. She has received apologies from both her mother and her father. Her father killed himself a few years ago and she feels good knowing that happened before he died.
You owe him nothing. If he molested you in addition to being abusive towards your mom and your brothers, then he isn't owed a damn thing. Live your life; be happy. Focus on the today and the tomorrow. If it were me I'd tell him you don't forgive him and that I hope it haunts him until he dies. This isn't being verbally abusive. Molestation is a crime. He's a criminal.
hello eric , you should visit your father once before he is put on the treason gallows .
Are you sure about all this? This sounds serious stuff!
I would not have anything to do with him... I don't think I would even speak to him.
You are not obligated to do anything you don't want to. You can just tell him exactly what you stated in your question, "You hurt me in ways you'll never understand and were not there for me in my life and when I was sick, so I cannot be there for you." Either way, make sure you get the chance to tell him all you feel and how his actions affected your life. Maybe you can get an apology or acknowledgement from him if that hasn't happened yet.
Either you want to or you don't. If your relationship isn't even good I'd say don't do it. Some people are just not good at facing death and need to be told to do the necessary things, that doesn't sound like you here.
No one can tell you what to do. I don't think anyone can really say what they would do. But.... I would go to the hospital room and tell him off. Then I'd file a police report. The police won't do anything but take a report, but it tells him where your feeling are.
You are under no obligation to be there for him. If you feel certain he deliberately molested you and especially if this took place many times then I suggest cutting him off form your life completely. As others have said, a lot of people cannot do that to a parent no matter what they did to deserve it so that is your decision. If I were you I would totally cut him off.
What would make your mother happy?
I wouldn't worry about his expectations. I would talk to your mother and see what she wants/expects from you to help her. This applies even if she is no longer with him. AND you don't need to necessarily meet your mother's expectations. But her hopes are more important than his.
I would get on with my life but that is me . Sorry I couldn't be more help .
He was not a good father based on what you've written. Nevertheless, he is your father and when he's gone, he's gone for good. You don't have to love him, but I recommend you go see him.
Let him die - alone.
Now that he's helpless - go and molest him back
I'd say go remind him why you're a better person than he ever was.
I would leave him to suffer his own fate. You owe him nothing.
Perhaps for the sake of closure if you think it would help you, visit him one time only, remind him how he treated you, wish him well when he meets his maker, and say goodbye, and do not go back.